What's in a Name?

I was a sociology major in college, so I've always been amazed by the power of culture. Culture has the power to shape your worldview, and color seemingly simple notions of right and wrong.

But I always saw culture as static, something that, once established was fixed. As in, I'm American, that's my culture; my husband Ben is Guinean and that's the culture that dictates his outlook on life. I never thought my cultural views would shift. Through marriage in particular; however, I have seen how bits of Ben's culture have infiltrated my thinking on norms that I never before questioned.

When we got married, Ben and I both understood that cultural differences would always be a "challenge" of our marriage. I first realized the gravity of our cultural differences when Safiyah was born. I quickly learned that nothing brings out cultural differences like the birth of a child.

Safiyah's birth opened the floodgates of unsolicited mothering advice. I quickly learned that to Ben's family, Safiyah was not my child or even Ben and my child; to them, she was their child. Sure, I had birthed her, but she was theirs for the raising. Well, hello - that's a newsflash!

Ben's many "aunties" and female cousins eagerly instructed me on the do's and don'ts of motherhood. It was so overwhelming at times I wondered if they didn't realize that I had a mother of my own that may be able to provide some insight into the rearing of my new baby!

"When are you going to cut her hair?" they'd ask. Shaving a baby's hair is a common among Muslims, but it's often more of a cultural practice than a religious one. Ben and I symbolically clipped a curl from Safiyah's beautiful headfull of baby hair, but we had no plans of shaving our newborn bald. "Well, I'll shave her then", his sister offered. Think again lady!
These people were beginning to test me!

"Don't hold her so much, you need to put her down" they instructed. Or my favorite, "has she had an African bath yet?" An African bath?? And how, might I ask, does that differ from an American bath? I wondered. Well, Tanti Mariam happily demonstrated that the primary difference involves a great deal of shea butter and a lot of splashing of water. Another cousin was extremely relieved to learn that Safiyah had undergone the African bath ritual. Had she not, she advised, "that baby would never truly get clean." Well, thank GOD we took care of THAT, right?!!!

Through it all, I never realized or imagined that some of this culture was "rubbing off". I smile to myself now as I sing Safiyah's favorite song, "Safiyah bo-bo" (which simply means "Safiyah baby" in Fulani). I also desparately asked Ben's cousin Aissatou to teach me the lyrics to the french song she sang to get Safiyah to eat.

And now, with the upcoming birth of our second baby girl, I've realize that many of the concepts that once seemed so foreign to me are now the only customs I have about bringing a baby into the world. My motherhood experience is limited to baby Safiyah, her doting Afridan daddy and his many, many, many helpful, hands-on cousins. And all the nuances that come with it.

In Guinean culture, it's taboo to reveal the baby's name before the baby is born. In keeping with this tradition, we officially named Safiyah at her naming ceremony, seven days after her birth. Although this tradition was completly new to me, I realize now that it has "rubbed off"! I realize that I am now strikingly discomforted by the notion of mentioning the baby's name before she is born!

When we learned that we were having a girl, my doctor asked if we had chosen a name. Now, I have had one picked out, in my head, since we first started thinking of having another baby! But, I was shocked that she'd expect me to utter it. "Uh....no" I quickly responded, hoping she wouldn't press the issue, forcing me to explain my inherited cultural belief.

I was equally disturbed when a pregnant girl at my beauty shop handed out sonogram pictures of her 5 month old fetus, proudly titled with her unborn's name! It seemed so - pardon the pun -premature!

I started to wonder, is this just me? Does calling your unborn child by name seem strange to anyone else? Did it seem weird to me before I had been introduced to this idea of delayed baby naming?

As is the beauty of lifelong friends, who can remind you who you are when you've seemingly forgotten yourself, I consulted with my girl KMH for a glimpse of my former self. She happily informed me THAT I WAS TRIPPIN'!! I never before would have thought anything of mentioning my unborn child's name!

Now, carting around a sonogram picture with her name at the top - that's a different story!

Welcome to Sisterhood Baby

Safiyah is going to be a BIG SISTER!!!

My biggest dream for Safiyah is that she would know the beauty of sisterhood - and now she will!

Let the count down begin....about four more months to go!

Happy Mother's Day

This is officially my third Mother's Day; my first being when I was pregnant with Safiyah. But I had no idea I'd be getting an actual Mother's Day gift from my baby girl! Safiyah, with undoubtedly great assistance from her childcare providers, made me a beautiful frame containing her precious handprint along with a poem. Check it out:

The poem reads:

Everyday I am exploring

Touching everything I've found

I leave behind my little marks

and handprints all around

You clean up those handprints

But someday when I'm grown

You'll wish you had just one

handprint to keep for your own

I made this handprint for you

So that one day when I am tall

You'll remember what my hand looked like

Long ago when I was small.

Awwwwwhhhhhhh!!!! I'm sure just three years ago, this would be another lame Mother's Day poem that I'd read and forget two seconds later. But with my little girl's precious handprint alongside it, it's priceless to me!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL!!!

Ode to NYC

i've been soooo proud that i've made it nearly 5 months, without a single look back.
people would ask, "don't you miss New York"?
I was proud to announce that i didn't...NOT A BIT!
but today it hit me -- like a brick through a plate glass window.
today... i miss NY.
i realize that i miss NY in the springtime...
i miss lunch in bryant park w/ KMH, NJRC, EKK, DEC and RBM
i miss the subway (especially reading on the subway)
i miss being able to pick up my breakfast on the walk from the subway to my office
i miss BREAKFAST being DELIVERED to my office!!! (who knew that was such a luxury?)
i miss meeting my sissy jasmin, (between her job at bloomie's and mine at 40th & park) on the madison avenue busline heading uptown to harlem
i miss watching safiyah roll around in the grass at central park
i miss the bodegas where i could still buy penny candy (ok, 25 cents candy) and feel like a kid
i miss meeting ben at les ambassades for a schwerma
i miss jeff, leon, african food, luis&maria, jj's chicken&pizza, jimbos, 63East and even 2West

perhaps it was the ad i saw for the new sex&the city movie, or the trees in blossom, or the simply the fact that time has passed, a chapter has ended and new one has begun.
but for whatever reason, i miss my old home today.

so for those of you still there, enjoy it a little more today -- for ME!

Safiyah Goes to School

A lot has happened since I re-entered the working world. First, I’ve been insanely busy and have totally missed blogging. But more importantly, Safi started daycare, or “school”, as I like to call it.

I must start by saying, it is a WONDERFUL daycare! Run by a mother-daughter team who has an amazing gift with children, I am certain that I have lucked upon the best kept secret in Indianapolis. There are six children, one of which is Safi’s cousin Salimah. Despite the age range of nearly 2 and 3 years-old, Safiyah comes home with an art project daily. They learn, sing and play throughout the day. I have no doubt that she is receiving extraordinary care. But that doesn’t make it easy.

It’s probably a terrible analogy, but for me, the thought of daycare was like putting your aging, and possibly ill parent in a nursing home. You know they’re getting great care, but you still hate to do it. Despite the level of care, I’ve always reasoned that I’m the best suited to care for my child, right?

It was a difficult transition – again, largely for me. Of course she cried. That was to be expected, right? She cried when I dropped her off and again when I’d pick her up. Her “teachers” assured me that she’d had a great day; played with the other children; was fine shortly after I left, but it still ached me to the core that my child was experiencing the insecurity of transition.

I eagerly comforted her each evening when I picked her up. I excitedly asked about her day. For the first week, or so, she ignored me. She’d hold on tight as I gathered her and her things, yet she refused to make eye contact. She was punishing me. And I felt every tinge of her punishment.

I felt terrible! I questioned whether I was doing the right thing. Logically, I reasoned that MILLIONS of children go to daycare! It is NOT a bad thing. But I couldn’t help but wonder if it was the right thing for my child. Had I waited too long to introduce daycare? Should I have tried a more gradual transition? Did she feel like she was being abandoned? (Note to reader – I have a LOT of unexplained abandonment issues, so I’m a bit over-sensitive to the idea.) As is my constant battle of motherhood, I questioned my decision.

Safiyah’s drop-off and pick-up tears continued for about two weeks. And just when I thought it was never going to end, I saw a break through. As we drove up one Tuesday morning, I braced myself for the tears and the mommy-pleas that I had come to expect. Yet as we walked in the door, Safiyah started to unzip her jacket. No tears. Shocked, I watched in awe as another toddler greeted Safi with a big hug as she shouted, “Daa-feeee-yaaah”! I watched my child fall into her friend’s embrace with a wide smile on her face of feeling loved.

That moment spoke volumes to me.

Mommy, I’m ok.
I’m with friends.
I know you’re coming back for me.
Until you do - I’ll be fine.

I quietly slipped out the door not wanting to ruin our first tear-free good-bye. As I walked back to my car, I felt that mixed pang of intense joy and sudden loss.


I am raising an independent toddler and losing my baby all at the same time. But at the end of the day, her triumph is mine as well.

I heard a child psychologist say that it is unrealistic to expect any toddler to welcome transition. It is our job as parents to help them navigate the transition and provide the security they need to get through it. Just like all our previous battles before this, Safiyah eventually transitioned. And I’m happy to say that she is becoming a more well-rounded child because of it.

Where I've Been

So I’m not dead…yet and I didn’t fall off the planet. But I have been missing in action lately largely because I took a job – of sorts.

About two months ago, I got involved in a Congressional campaign. The former “candidate”, I am proud to say, is now a member of the United States Congress! Congressman André Carson proudly represents the 7th Congressional District of Indiana. Check him out here: http://www.andrecarson.com/. Other than strongly believing in his candidacy, I initially got involved because Congressman Carson also happens to be my brother-in-law. For you loyal blog readers, he also happens to be Salimah’s dad!

Needless to say, the campaign trail was extremely time consuming. First off, it was a Special Election, which meant we had essentially six weeks to do what is usually done in one year! It was thrilling, overwhelming and all together exhausting! But it was all worth it when we secured a decisive victory on March 11th.

My sister proudly traveled to Washington to see her husband sworn in as a member of Congress. I watched on C-SPAN as she beamed with pride. I was happy to be watching in my PJ’s, in bed, after having enjoyed my first truly restful sleep in two months.

So, I have essentially been out of commission, and out of the blog world. But boy have I missed it!! I didn’t realize how much blogging helps me clear my head and process what is going on in my life at the moment. That said, I’m happy to be back and I have a LOT to write about!

Blog Withdrawal

I'm officially experiencing blog withdrawal!! I've been wanting to write for days now, but have been so busy, I haven't been able to find a quiet moment to clear my head and let my thoughts ease onto paper (or keybroad). I'm hooked! I now NEED the blog experience for a bit of a release these days.

As I'm sure my lack of time reflects, I've officially re-entered the work world and all the time-sucking that comes with it. And guess what...I do miss her. A lot...

More on that later, and more importantly, more on Safi's first day of daycare, or "school" as I encouragingly call it!

The Angel-faced Aggressor

Does this look like the face of a bully?

Believe it, or not, this angelic face does not stop Safiyah from straight bum-rushing other children. Despite appearances, it has become abundantly clear that Safiyah is a bit of a bully

I have to admit, that I was quite surprised the first time I saw Safiyah snatch a toy from Salimah. Safi’s cousin Salimah, who is a mere four months her junior, is often the victim of her bullying. My sister, Salimah’s mother, joked that Salimah gets in a defense stance anytime Safiyah’s name is mentioned. Yikes!

With the most innocent of looks, Safiyah takes other children’s toys; snatches, and quickly throws their pacifiers; and gives “hugs” to the point of suffocation. On one occasion, I saw her literally mount another child, squealing in sheer delight, as she attempted to ride the little girl like a donkey! Quickly rushing to release the child from Safi’s grasp, I embarrassingly wore a shocked look on my face, to suggest that I was surprised by her behavior. Unfortunately, I’d seen it all before.

Like any parent, I have to wonder, where is this coming from? Is this truly aggression? Is she just overly excited to interact with other kids? Does she not know her own strength? Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out the answer. But what’s most amazing about Safi’s brutish ways is the complete look of surprise on her face when she’s reprimanded.

I continue to remind her to “be gentle”, “no snatching”, “no touching”, but how realistic is that for a 1 ½ year old? Safi’s even been introduced to the world of Time Out, which was surprisingly working well, until I saw that she was putting herself in Time Out. I gave her a snack the other day and she nicely walked over to the time out corner and sat down to eat.

So much for that.

As offensive and embarrassing as Safi’s behavior may be, I have to accept that she is a growing toddler who is exploring, learning and testing limits. I remember how annoying it was when Safiyah was obsessed with dropping her cup from the table, just to hear the sound it made as it hit the floor. In this new annoying stage, Safi is learning how to interact with others. Unfortunately, in this battle, there are some minor casualties.

I hope this is one of the many phases that everyone promises me that Safiyah will outgrow. In the meantime, I know Salimah for one, is bracing herself for the impact.

Why I Blog

I was ecstatic to receive my first non-family or friend comment on the blog the other day!! Thanks Gustav! It’s so nice to imagine that there is an actual audience on the other end of my laptop musings about life. I felt an extreme amount of gratification at the thought that “strangers” may read my blog. Which made me ask myself just "Why do I Blog?"

I recently had this discussion with my mother. She couldn’t understand why anyone would be interested in the life of someone they don’t know. I, on the other hand, religiously read the blogs of strangers, anxiously awaiting the next post. Why? Is it is the idea of being a voyeur into someone else’s life – looking in their window as their family eats at the dinner table? Or is it as basic as reading for enjoyment, just as you would read a non-fiction book?

Why I blog it actually pretty simple – I love writing. My mother, pointed out that I actually write for a living as a lawyer. But practicing law has shown me that I’d much rather write about life than legal arguments and motions. Blogging allows me to fulfill my desire to write, along with the fantasy of actually having an audience. So, here are the three main reasons why I blog:

1. To keep family and friends up to date on what’s new in Safiyah’s world.
When I was in New York and my family was here in Indianapolis, I struggled with different ways to include them in Safiyah’s growth, which seemed to be happening so fast. Then, I did it with pictures. Now, I’m doing it with words. . . and occasionally a few pictures. For all my amazing friends on the east coast, who became Safiyah’s aunties, I don’t want them to miss a thing.

2. To improve my writing.
I have always loved writing. Should I ever have the opportunity to pursue it as a career, rather than just a hobby, I’d like to have put in some good practice.

3. And yes, I’d LOVE to have a fan following…who wouldn’t?

Perhaps one day this will be someone’s favorite blog that they just have to check in on everyday!! But for now, I’m content with the blog serving as a family and friend update center - and of course I welcome the friends out there that I haven't yet met, but who remind me that this world is a lot smaller than it may seem.

The Mommy Wars Within

Women have been debating the choice to work inside, or outside the home, since Women’s Lib. I never sat squarely on either side of the debate. There’s clearly no one-size-fits-all solution for how to mother your children. For some women, staying home and raising their children is an essential element of being a mother. For other women, the thought of staying home and foregoing their career life is unthinkable.

Although I spent a good deal of time and money pursuing my legal education and three years practicing law, I have to admit that I’ve never been exceptionally career driven. So where do I fall in the great debate of baby vs. career? I don’t feel like my life would be any less valuable if I took a hiatus from lawyer-life. On the other hand, I don’t know if I quite have what it takes to successfully tackle the most challenging job of being a stay-at-home-mom.

When we moved to Indianapolis, I welcomed the opportunity to be at home with Safiyah, while taking the time to find the right career fit for me. After all, I felt like I missed so much time with Safiyah in New York. Practicing law at a defense firm with the dreaded billable hour ever stalking me, I felt that I saw Safi wake up in the morning and go to bed in the evening, but missed all the valuable time in between. I was so excited to catch up on all the time I felt that I was missing with my baby. I looked forward to taking her to the library, park and museum -- all during the daytime! Of course, I fantasized what my newfound freedom would allow.

And what a time we’ve had!!! We’ve had many play dates with cousin Salimah, as my sister has been on vacation. We’ve been to the new Indianapolis Library, which is amazing! Check it out here: http://www.imcpl.org/central/index.html. There is a fabulous baby-zone, called the learning curve, where babies are free to explore the books, play theatre and participate in story time.

We also explored the world-renowned Indianapolis Children’s Museum (www.childrensmuseum.org/)!!! Seeing Safiyah’s eyes light up at each new play station reminded me of the infinite joy I experienced going to that same museum throughout my own childhood. I love being a mom who is completely available to her child. I love seeing the new things Safi does with each new day.

But after a month at home with Safiyah, reality has set in. I love being with her, but I realize that I also want to miss her too. Working allowed me to miss her. Working also allowed me to fulfill a part of myself that is independent of being Safiyah’s mother.

So for me, it’s not baby versus career, it’s baby versus me – my independent self. My work life represents my identity separate and apart from motherhood. And I think I am ready to return to work to balance these two identities.

Like every mother in the world, I am hoping to find that ever elusive sense of balance, somewhere between the sea of motherhood and the simplicity of just being me.

Little Miss Manners

Guess who’s now saying PUH-LEEEEZEEE!

Safiyah is starting 2008 right by showcasing her use of manners. And I have to admit I’m quite proud. I don’t think there’s anything cuter than a little person with good manners.

I was so excited when one of the first words Safiyah said in context was “tank uuu”.

I’ve been working on please ever since, but without much success – until yesterday at bath time.

Safiyah LOVES WATER. Drinking it. . .playing in it. . .and combining the two by drinking water in the bath. It’s a disgusting habit that I strongly discourage of course, but Safi spends the entire bath time sneaking the ducky cup to her little lips.

After repeatedly reminding Safi of how GROSS it is to drink the very water she’s bathing in, I finally had to take the ducky cup away from her. And that’s when she said it.

PUH-LEEEEEZEEE!! Well, then I just had to give it to her, right?

I’m willing to sacrifice a few germs for the sake of good manners.