The Mommy Wars Within

Women have been debating the choice to work inside, or outside the home, since Women’s Lib. I never sat squarely on either side of the debate. There’s clearly no one-size-fits-all solution for how to mother your children. For some women, staying home and raising their children is an essential element of being a mother. For other women, the thought of staying home and foregoing their career life is unthinkable.

Although I spent a good deal of time and money pursuing my legal education and three years practicing law, I have to admit that I’ve never been exceptionally career driven. So where do I fall in the great debate of baby vs. career? I don’t feel like my life would be any less valuable if I took a hiatus from lawyer-life. On the other hand, I don’t know if I quite have what it takes to successfully tackle the most challenging job of being a stay-at-home-mom.

When we moved to Indianapolis, I welcomed the opportunity to be at home with Safiyah, while taking the time to find the right career fit for me. After all, I felt like I missed so much time with Safiyah in New York. Practicing law at a defense firm with the dreaded billable hour ever stalking me, I felt that I saw Safi wake up in the morning and go to bed in the evening, but missed all the valuable time in between. I was so excited to catch up on all the time I felt that I was missing with my baby. I looked forward to taking her to the library, park and museum -- all during the daytime! Of course, I fantasized what my newfound freedom would allow.

And what a time we’ve had!!! We’ve had many play dates with cousin Salimah, as my sister has been on vacation. We’ve been to the new Indianapolis Library, which is amazing! Check it out here: http://www.imcpl.org/central/index.html. There is a fabulous baby-zone, called the learning curve, where babies are free to explore the books, play theatre and participate in story time.

We also explored the world-renowned Indianapolis Children’s Museum (www.childrensmuseum.org/)!!! Seeing Safiyah’s eyes light up at each new play station reminded me of the infinite joy I experienced going to that same museum throughout my own childhood. I love being a mom who is completely available to her child. I love seeing the new things Safi does with each new day.

But after a month at home with Safiyah, reality has set in. I love being with her, but I realize that I also want to miss her too. Working allowed me to miss her. Working also allowed me to fulfill a part of myself that is independent of being Safiyah’s mother.

So for me, it’s not baby versus career, it’s baby versus me – my independent self. My work life represents my identity separate and apart from motherhood. And I think I am ready to return to work to balance these two identities.

Like every mother in the world, I am hoping to find that ever elusive sense of balance, somewhere between the sea of motherhood and the simplicity of just being me.